Writers just love to act put upon. When they’re not wailing about ‘how the burdens of creativity weigh upon them’, they’re moaning about the mindless pop-generation topics that their editors thrust upon them. And let’s not even get started with the ‘I’m-paid-peanuts-and-yet-me-I’m-brilliant rants.

When one’s editor just wakes up one day and says, “Gwe, write about whatever the hell you want this week” is when the crickets crawl, and fast. Your average writer panics, grabs the nearest magazine/newspaper and peruses it with a whipping motion of the hand that you probably thought was only possible in those new (and horrifying) cartoons on cartoonnetwork. This isn’t wise, because you just might end up in a tiny section near the front page called ‘why I’m angry/ why I’m, glad’ and decide to base your article on it. Imagine.

Plan B has poked catty fingers at nearly every part of this newspaper but this one. It is the only one that hasn’t been mercilessly parodied. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. This is one of the easiest parts of any paper to make fun of.

Presenting Plan B’s first and hopefully last ‘why i’m gay/pissed’.

Why i’m delirious with joy:

Holiday: The press is on holiday. Whoop whoop! We’ve decided that the attendance and coverage of functions that we will be beaten at is not worth the trouble. It’s an open secret that our coffers are generally less full that those of our peers. Other people are rich because they’re doing mindless and boring things; but us, we’re paying the price of being passionate and patriotic. And then we go to a function and they beat us? We’re on holiday, baby. If you’ve seen a group of scribes partying, you’re probably chin-deep in envy right now.

 Farai Mwakutuya



Have you people watched news lately? This guy is fit nowadays. With the way he looks, he must have recruited a wizened old guru to sit in a cloud of smoke all day and instruct him in calm tones to stretch those muscles that are responsible for looking hot in front of TV cameras. He is one of the reasons I am glad.

And this is why I’m wrathful:

The Desexifying of Pink. When Nicki Minaj came she had one goal, to make pink cool again. She brought it back so hard, even disagreeable ‘macho men’ were seen trying to slip pink shirts on. And then the maker of tear gas got bored and invented a hot pink equivalent that would cause the same amount of discomfort while being cute at the same time.

 Naked robot: there’s a certain ad on citizen television that features a gyrating robot. It’s swiveling its midriff with so much enthusiasm that it’s…uncomfortable for some. Many. Me. If people are going to give a robot such obviously feminine curves and then make it to gyrate with a tremendous amount of zeal like that, it should be given clothes.

Telenovellas: I like those programs. I don’t even mind that their maker, after all these years, hasn’t yet realized that other nations which don’t speak Spanish, at all, are some of his most loyal fans and that he continues to hire Spanish speaking casts. What I take issue with is the talking dogs in Marimar. WTF?

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