How To Detooth A working Woman


This is how

There’s nothing quite like using somebody else’s money. Any indignation and/ or discomfort that you’re feeling as a direct result of this assertion, you can put (here). We’ll get back to it. For now, pretend to agree that peeling crisp greens, reds, browns and blues out of another person’s wallet with the express intention of splurging on yourself is fun. It’s a dirty rush, but a thrill is a thrill.

People of the female persuasion have comfortably enjoyed this buzz for the longest time. It’s easy for them. All they have to do is dab a bit of perfume behind their ears, bat their eyelashes, and giggle like mad at whatever their male counterpart is saying and voila! It’s raining money. Now I’m not saying that every woman in the world devotes all her free time to devising new ways of appropriating people’s hard earned cash and turning it into shoes. Many a woman will peel her facial skin off before allowing a man to buy her even a stick of PK.

Anyway, while the world was busy thinking up names to throw at women like ‘gold digger’ and ‘detoother’, men sneakily squeezed themselves onto this very bench. That’s right. Male detoothers have arrived. They’re in the hood.

The age of free lunches on account of a pretty face has come to an end. Men have started to demand tangible appreciation and think nothing of pushing fat restaurant bills to their lady friends, without even offering to foot half the bill. Things have gotten so bad that reports of women yelling, ‘SHYA!’ and storming out of restaurants are no longer funny or surprising.

Out of 15 interviewees, only three people admitted to ever having actively detoothed a woman and one of them was female. Odd, isn’t it? Perhaps as I interviewed them, these men suddenly discovered egos and were loath to admit to leeching money off hapless women.  Terry, an incorrigible idiot said, ‘The one person or woman I wanted to detooth was you but it turned out you didn’t have any money, so I changed career path.’

Qn: Have you actively de-toothed a woman before? Have you schemed and rubbed palms andmuahahad in the general direction of a woman and her wallet?

OJ said, ‘Seriously. I am sad I look like that sort of guy. Try asking guys whether they get things from women instead. You will be surprised at the subtle tricks involved.’ Pretty noncommittal answer considering the one that came next.

I posed the question to Bahana and she said, ‘LOL no. Funny I was just talking about it with some guys yesterday. OJ was talking about his friends who used to go looking for sugar mamas in Bweyos. Maybe ask him.’

This confirms Douglas Adams’ theory that humans instinctively withhold information from people with clipboards (and idiots conducting facebook interviews).

According to Slickback Onyait, a sprung woman and her money are soon parted. When a woman is totally charmed by man, she’ll think nothing of spending copious amounts of money on him.

Being a super maestro in the bedroom is a lucrative plus. In his words, ‘Do her right. Women love attention…especially if the guy is a looker and she’s got esteem issues. From here, it’s a smooth ride to the bank.’

Some men seemed honestly baffled by the idea. Mugisha said, ‘I’ve never really thought of de-toothing as an option available to me. Sure I have got presents from women, some quite expensive, but I never actively solicited for them even though some I knew were meant to lead to a relationship.’

If Mugisha is to be believed,certain women try to lure men into relationships by waving money bundles in their faces. These ones should shut up and desist from crying foul when the man they’ve been spending enormous amounts of money on gets accustomed to sponging off them.

Czar Wedi is confident that the only way to get a woman to part with her money is by being incredibly bold. He says to look her in the eye and inform her that she’s footing the bill. If she refuses, he recommends kicking her in the ear and yelling, ‘ROADHOUSE!’ heh. What he really did say was, “I’m not afraid to make her spoil me lol. Why not? It’s is a rare thing.”

Bree admits that she’s been de-toothed more times than she can count. She says, “Guys are tricky, you never see it coming. Sometimes he pretends to be borrowing money, saying he doesn’t want to go to the bank. He never pays back! Bringing the debt up will send him into such a dark sulk that you just have to let him get away with nabbing your money.’

When asked if she’d every fallen prey to a male wallet-leech, Auntagonize said she’d get back to me with an answer. She didn’t. This means that either the question one of you sent to her baffled/riled/amused her so much that she forgot to, or that she felt no inclination to talk about how some guy thoroughly demoneyed her. We’ll never know.

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