Today, we’re interviewing the EXAM. The guy himself. The real one you see in front of you every end of semester/term.
For all intents and purposes of this article, an exam is strictly asexual, because assigning a sex to a being as disagreeable as this one might cause all kinds of resentment to be flung my way and me, I fear.
So Exam, Tell us a bit about yourself.
I can confidently say that I’m the only thing on the planet that nobody has ever been inclined to befriend or give a nickname to. I know this because I have heard of a stapler named Dave but never of an examination named, well, anything. If I were a character in Grey’s anatomy, I think I’d be called Mcdreary or mcscreamy or even mcphooey.
Give us a bit of background. Tell us about…your mom.
Athena is the greek goddess of wisdom. She is also my mother. Now that Greek deities aren’t so popular, she spends most of her time in Lima trying to convert one 17 year old boy. For now, all she’s successfully done is turn him into a chronic schizophrenic. Between that and trawling dating sites, she has no time for my sorry self.
OK. Tell us something about yourself that isn’t depressing.
I’m a terrific bundle of joy when you get to know me, honest, but nobody ever wants to try. When I come around, people just buy enormous amounts of concentration enhancing drugs to prepare for me and liquor- to celebrate my passing. I’m sad. I don’t even measure my time in days, because the smart guy who created me forgot to make me normal in that regard. Rather, I come upon people in seasons exactly like a plague to ruin their lives.
What’s your favorite pastime?
Do you promise not to scoff?
I like to read the post-its on my bathroom mirror out loud. I am going to make a friend today! Smile like you mean it! People like you more than you know! Be peachy now. Chin up! That sort of thing. I don’t chant or mumble them under my breath that’d be weird. And you’re smirking which is even worse than scoffing.
Maybe if you were a little more cheerful…
I’ve tried to make the guys who print me use happier colors like red or pink but alas, they’re pond scum who have no thoughts for anything other than themselves.
OOkay. You can watch movies, right? According to Douglas Adams, everything can, including a group of aliens on Planet Rupert who use special satellite dishes to tap the earth’s TV rays or something like that. What’s your favorite movie?
Definitely Eat pray love. This movie helps me think up innovative ways that I can make myself seem more interesting to the young and hip beings that all seem to hate me so much. You may think that I sound pathetic but well…I’m only slightly pathetic. Really. I’m rich. Does that help?
A little. How do you spend your free time?
Er…let me see. I hook up with barmy old men and women and let them believe that they are ‘setting me’. Really I do all the work and they take all the credit but hey, story of my life. I also get done. Sat for. Written.
Ok, tell us one thing you’ve done to make yourself seem more agreeable to people.
Have you seen Goodluck! , Success! or xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo! At the bottom of your examination paper? I spend inordinate amounts of energy in making them appear. It is I and not the examiners who put them there. Those people couldn’t care less. If I had my way, I’d always be set in a cutesy comic sans and not that awful Times new roman that awakens dread in your heart and makes your mind go blank. See how delightful I am? LIKE ME!
Any aspirations? dreams?
I dream of meeting a nice asexual being like me and making a love connection because when I get over this confounded loneliness, I’ll be free to venture into things like REVENGE and TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Mua.ah.ah.ah.ah. Yea I’m trying to do the Count’s evil laugh. That one on Sesame Street. Ah.ah.ah. I’ve been practicing Gently Benevolent laugh, but it’s so annoying, i fly into a terrible rage whenever i hear myself doing it.
Any last words for your peoples?
That’s cool-speak for I will get you. Get with the times.