There are some bars in Kampala at which one can be assured of contracting certain ailments. These diseases aren’t conventional or common to all and they usually attack particular cliques. An example is how a tottering gaggle of squeal-y girlfriends can all leave Casablanca with an identical, suspicious and disturbing rash that takes a dozen days to heal and leaves behind the sort of scars that’d rain on Golola’s street cred-parade.
Because people’s medical records are neurotically kept behind doors (or more accurately rickety drawers) and very few are blessed with the inclination to talk and laugh about the illnesses that they’ve picked up from night clubs, we’ve been reduced to looking up diseases that are largely considered improbable and twisting them to fit the woes that attack the average nocturnal party animal.
I shall now dispense of this information:
Kuru. This is a disease you can get by eating infected bits of human flesh. You can also contact kuru by being forced to eat the hair weave of the girl who won’t stop swinging her dirty hair into your mouth even after willow smith’s song has come to a merciful end. Symptoms: an exaggerated startle response, emotional instability and pathologic bursts of laughter.
Tourette’s syndrome. Thanks to Kanye, its spokesperson, most of the world knows all there is to know about this one. In bars, it’s caused in part by hormonal imbalance in the victim and by annoying people jostling one, spilling one’s drink, looking bad, anything really. Symptoms: Tics, creepy muscle spasms and bombastic obscenity.
Carotenosis turns the skin yellow-orange. This is also the color of nugu under club lights. It usually happens when the dude who’s just been quencing you runs off with some woman of negotiable affection without so much as a by-your-leave, leaving you stranded in the middle of the dance floor with a visible orange nuguaura. According the internet experts, over consumption of carrots can seriously turn you orange.
Sjögren’s syndrome is really caused by your blood evilly producing extra antibodies that turn on your body’s tissues and wreck havoc. A disease which manifests as a dryness of the mouth and eyes, it can also come as a result of not being smart enough to line your stomach before venturing out to quaff liquor and other intoxicants, therefore exposing yourself to acute hunger and vulnerability to said intoxicants.
Progeria: In a club situation, this can come as a result of being disillusioned as far as your skin color is concerned and applying a wrong shade of foundation. Not having the slightest clue how to properly use makeup also triggers symptoms of this disease. Scientifically, it’s a condition where a person grows prematurely old, sort of like the concept that the Benjamin Button movie played around with.
Necrotising Fasciitis is unofficially known as ‘zombie’s disease’. Before I supply you with its description, I’d like to make a plea. If you catch it, do the world a solid and sequester yourself in your room. Also, some things cannot be unread, so proceed with caution.
Flesh eating bacteria from some confounded corner of hell land on your skin and settle. They proceed to leisurely chomp clean through your epidermis and other layers of the skin (the names of which you can put here). They munch, crunch, gnaw and destroy whatever aesthetic value your skin may have possessed before. In a club situation, it’s easy as anything to catch, what with you rubbing parts with virtual strangers left right and center.