THE FLYING FLOSS


Since the beginning of time, people have harbored a sneaky hatred towards English. Words have been viciously twisted and misused. Expressions have been botched. Sentences have been constructed with their innards dangling, etc, so when one says unto one’s friends in haughty and swaggering tones that ‘Guess what my peeps, I went flying yesterday afternoon’, one is pinned with hateful stares, the special kind reserved for those socially malformed freaks who smoke their weed alone.

Well this writer did go flying a few afternoons ago but no, not on smoky wings. The circumstances under which she found herself happily clambering into a fly-hicle and proceeding to play around with all sorts of knobs and buttons won’t be discussed in too much detail, because there is only so much nugu one can inflict on one’s readers. Oh look. A pun is upon us.

Now this plane wasn’t big. It was the kind of thing that Mc Gyver could’ve probably made out of a banana, two paper clips and a rubber band. It was a humble unassuming machine, content with the simple joys of flying for a living. The persons within it however were (and still are) show offs and now one of them is bashing her keyboard in to provide you with an envy-inducing read.

This is how to get into a plane and be flown over the city for free:

Awesomeness: Be awesome and in the process, get to know a cool pilot who makes bad jokes and calls himself Captain Joe Fly. The bit about the jokes is important because remembering and mentally reciting them may very well be the only thing to save you from death by shock when your ka plane starts to weave and shake. It will pick the worst time too, when you’re right above Lake Victoria, whose beauty is now totally ruined by the militant butterflies doing press-ups in your belly.

Looks: If female, be pretty and/or charming. If male, buy a plane also you. It will be good for you male aura if you stop trying to hop on favors you don’t deserve as a direct result of your being male.

While in the air, life is good. Birds do double takes, clouds part and everybody looks smaller than you. A strong temptation to do the following might come over you:

Open the door: Those men in that Expendables movie flew with open doors all the time. They even hung from wheels and doors by their fingertips. Granted, their muscles were bulbous beings that spasmed every time that they blinked. What open doors do is they freak you out and make you lose stuff, like cute bangles and books that have been unnecessarily carried along.

Take control: Grabbing the controls and stepping on pedals will make the plane turn upside down and then your devious plan of commandeering the plane and flying outside Ugandan borders by force will fall flat. You might also squeal and puke in the presence of a cute pilot, and that’s just wrong. Accepting his offer to show you a couple of roller coaster flying tricks is also not advised because you will make horrible faces and sounds, which will greatly embarrass you for many days to come.

In conclusion, a plane ride was procured. Fun was had. Your heads and homes and cars were looked down upon, declared puny and dismissed. Also, certain large buildings were longingly stared at and visualized as balls of flame (which doesn’t make anybody here a bad person).

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