Presenting, the head social nemesis, Toothache.

Knock knock. Who’s there? The devil’s advocate. What? I’m serious. Take me literally. I’m his lawyer, toothache. I’ve come to leech all happiness from your life and replace it with deep agony and thoughts of suicide, as lawyers are wont to do. I bring with me regression to past stages of development where it is allowed for you to cling to your mother’s bosom and weep in such loud and bitter tones that she subconsciously starts to diaper you. Last but not least, I have come rid your mind of the silliness that superhero comic books have brainwashed you with. Evil still prevails, man. Act like you know.

The tooth: Is your formerly effective if oddly shaped mouth bone acting up? Does it feel like its gurgling pain, pulling complicated feats of juggling and maybe attempting to learn Morse code whilst launching a career in choreography? This means that I, toothache am upon you and this is only the beginning of things. I really am going to wreck your life. Read on.

The process: At the very center of the afflicted tooth is a pounding, a dark and secret throbbing as if it wouldn’t like its neighbors to know its shame. There is only so much relentless discomfort that the body can take, so it starts to make its annoyance felt. Enter fever, hatred for the world and a deep need for everybody around you to say ‘sorry bambi’.  When things get particularly bad, you may turn to religion for relief and quote the bible at your parent or guardian or partner. Stand warned that when Jesus said that it was unlikely for a father to give his son a stone when asked for a loaf, he clearly hadn’t anticipated the innovativeness of his African followers. When you ask for a dentist, there is a fifty percent chance that some sort of leaf will be thrust at you and no, this leaf is not to be smoked, it’s to be chewed.

The gum:This is usually an efficient pink tissue on which your teeth sit and thrive, chewing stuff and doing other things that teeth like to do. When a toothache attacks, it morphs into a vicious and thinking being; one that can become bulbous and large and make all your friends point and snigger. It can force its way through your tooth and emerge proudly at the top. It can also organize a malignant team of infections, from the devil’s very palm, to show your damn tooth who is boss.

The remedy

Contrary to what those health freaks on the internet say, honey and cinnamon will not cure your toothache. Lemon and garlic will only make it ferocious. These are the things that work:

Crying: This is extremely effective. It makes everybody feel sorry for you, which is something you need when a toothache attacks you. It also makes sure that they get so greatly irritated that a visit to the dentist is not postponed to a ‘next week’ that seems to you like a light year away.

Toothpicks: This may hurt, but face it. Your pain is going no where. You’ve overdosed on pain killers and sleeping tablets but it refuses to go and bugger somebody else. All you can do is fight back. Jab the tooth a little. Show it that whereas it has a achieved ‘boss’ status for now, you can take it back whenever you want.

Do the plucky: Go to a dentist and get assured that what you have is not a tooth but a ticking time bomb which is liable to explode with all sorts of disgusting infections on account of the large mass of hardening pus dangling from its root. Marvel at the revoltingness of the human body when you actually see the semisolid mass of pus dangling from your freshly uprooted tooth. Write about it.

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