A weasel is a furry little mammal-Mustela Nivalis- which is often confused with ferrets and minks but never rats. The only people who spot weasels and take flying leaps at tables are men who pretend to be unashamed about their deep seated fear of rodents (and weasels aren’t even rodents). Everybody else says aaaw until they see the ferret’s teeth.
Weasel (Douglas Mayanja) is a furry little man with a gravelly singing voice, one that when combined with auto tune has the power to move you. Literally. First you start to shuffle from side to side and then before you know it, your arms and legs are madly flinging themselves to his beat.
Weasels have soft, cushy, which is why those fashionistas of outside countries think they look great as boots. How they are able to trap and skin this super alert creature is a keenly guarded secret, one only known to the members of their frat.
Weasels are cute, until they smile/snarl at you. It is said that you can’t tell a weasel smile from a weasel snarl.
Weasel, Mayanja-doug has dreadlocks. He’s always smiling, so we can see that he has many many many teeth. That’s about it.
The weasel knows what it wants and how to get it. Things like compassion don’t feature in this creature’s tiny vocabulary. It doesn’t even think baby birds are cute. I know this because weasels are notorious egg thieves that have been known to walk up to a nest, dash all the eggs in it to the ground and walk off feeling badass, because they’re mean like that. They’re master predators who stalk their creatures so soundlessly that when they pounce, the poor creatures are more likely to die of shock than of say, impact.
Weasel Mayanja has been in fights before. There’s the one where he was puffing his chest at Bebe Cool, then the other one where he was puffing his chest at Bebe Cool again, then the one where Mz. Nakimera dared to put her show on the same date as his, but wait. That wasn’t a fight. We mustn’t insinuate that he tried to deprive the world of her bombastic looks by splashing her face with fake acid. There’s no proof that he did that.
Pop Goes the weasel
This is a sweet song that somebody wrote for little children to sing and sway to. Here’s an excerpt: ‘I’ve no time to plead and pine, I’ve no time to wheedle, Kiss me quick and then I’m gone, Pop! Goes the weasel.’ This isn’t very suitable for children, is it? And yet the creature pulls it off and has innocents singing its praises before they even know what it is.
We’re already established that Weasel’s music (or the auto tune in it) has the power to reach into people’s bones and move them. He’s also done that catchy Quick-tok ad on TV that a lot of girls like, so he holds his own in the hits department.
The feral death-on-legs creature deserves to win this but seeing as I’ve never had a real weasel within 10 centimeters of my person, I’m going to give this one to the human weasel. It’d be extremely humiliating for one’s death Certificate to read: Stabbed by a musician named Weasel.