He fakes She fakes

Women are so good at faking things that the circulation of that stereotype alleging that as long as one is female, she is a natural born emotional con-artist comes as no surprise.

When, for example, a woman meets her ex with his new girlfriend, she’ll clutch the girlfriend to her bosom with such synthetic love and warmth that a whole friendship might spark up, when what she really wants to do is elbow the newbie’s front teeth in and tell her she’s the dullest, most unattractive person ever to exist.

In this case, it’s self-preservation. What she’s doing is guarding herself against embarrassment, a thing that men are yet to start being concerned about.

But men fake lots of things too, usually to impress or placate their mates, for example, the love of poetry, a particular genre of music and even devoutness.

Nerima says, “I don’t see any problem with pretending to like his friends, relatives or bone-jumping skills. These are relatively small issues in the big scheme of things and it’s only natural to go a couple of extra miles to keep the peace. A man can, however, fake anything from the very foundation of the relationship (in my case, fidelity) to his career.”

Long-distance relationships also provide the perfect conditions for a fully-fledged fake-athon. When Joshua sees his lover’s number flashing on his screen at an inconvenient time, he won’t answer her call and say, “Oh wow, honey. It’s just super that you’re calling now, when I’m right in the middle of a lecture and Eunice has her hand on my thigh.” He’ll just cite network problems the next time they talk.

Lies are an all too necessary evil, according to Jonah, because the company of a woman who is running low on self-esteem is intolerable. He says, “I always make sure that my girlfriend feels great about herself, even if there isn’t much for her to feel good about.

I will lie without shame if her ego is in need of polishing because it’s common knowledge that a contented woman is 10 times more likely to put out than one with the self-worth of a cockroach.”

Being emotional isn’t something that comes naturally to many men and yet it is a powerful weapon to have in one’s inventory. Not wanting to fall behind, they fake it.

Thalia says, “In my experience, they’re either using it as bait or as a way to deflect attention from the crimes they’d committed. You catch him cheating, he bursts into tears.

This has happened to me twice!” Men have been pegged for always wanting to have their cake and eat it. According to Sofia, a man will maintain a relationship with a smart, independent and assertive woman because she makes him look good in front of his relatives, workmates and friends at his local kafunda but he’ll get involved in loads of steamy affairs with women whom he’d rather be with.

She says, “Cheating is one of the nastiest forms of ‘faking it.’ The traitor will often convince his woman that all is well — with gifts and such — to keep her contented. He’ll then search for a simple, pliant, controllable and less intelligent woman who makes him feel powerful. Sex and fulfillment are two different things.”

Most men are out to make a good first impression (note the use of MOST. Some think their possession of cojones is enough) and so they’ll hold your purse, be extremely affectionate, treat you like an egg with a calcium deficiency, etc. They’ll even laugh at atrociously bad jokes.

Maureen says, “I’ve actually tried and tested this, so it holds good. If you want to find out whether or not your man is faking things, wear the sexiest outfit you’ve got and make the worst jokes that you possibly can. Make them so bad that even people on the street will stare after you in dismay long after you’ve gone. If he’s still nodding attentively and humoring you with laughter, he’s a faker.”

Justus comes to the defence of men with, “Generally if the chick is hot enough, whatever garbage that comes out of her mouth will be hilarious. Fact of life. If she’s hot, she’s funny/intelligent.”

Sharon in the Big Brother house must be one big exception then.

Faking isn’t a thing that can be attributed exclusively to just one of the sexes though. Relationship blackmail, which is practiced by absolutely everyone, levels the playing field.

For example, if Gary doesn’t pick Maria from the gym, he’ll sleep on the couch. If she doesn’t cook food that night — subjecting him to cold pizza for the fourth night in a row — he won’t pick her up from the gym and so forth.

This form of blackmail can only work if it’s disguised by buckets and buckets of affection, tinkly laughs, hugs and other pleasant facades.


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