How to be ‘cool’.

Ok, this is the deal, yea? There are two camps. The cool kids (TCK) and The Roaches (TR). No middle ground. Obviously, nobody sets out to be a weasely, limp-wristed TR. From the minute your parents shudder you into being to the moment you turn 21, life is furiously chipping, sand papering, and chiseling you into an unmistakeable member of either, or, but not both of the groups.  

 I myself am so deeply geeky, so absolutely nerdy that if you take this advice seriously; friends will be to you what fur is to a 17 year old cat: Scarce. But if you’re a loser, it’s not like anything can make you more socially inadequate than you already are.  Enough aimless blah. Here’s some of the ways you can convincingly make like you’re a cool/cultured person in Uganda:

 GET Dreaded: there’s a theory that alleges that dreadlocks aren’t really hair. They’re what brilliance looks like when it’s exposed to air. Apparently, those people who’re rocking the medusa look are so cool, so smart, so removed from localness that their heads, failing to take the pressure, ooze a coagulated substance that the world has ignorantly labeled ‘dreadlocks.’ This is a lie, obviously. Anybody can turn their silky smooth hair into dreads with a tub of wax and a tiny comb. People think them cool because any person wacky enough to subject themselves to one hairstyle for life, one that requires monthly attention in order not to become shaggy and hideous just HAS to be cool.

 Get Grungy:The more advanced a community is, the less attention they tend to pay to the clothes they wear and cleanliness in general. There’s a golden rule that’s only broken by stupid females. It goes: If you’re a woman and are bad to look at, you’re an irresponsible heifer who deserves to be kicked out of the gender.

 INTOXICOOL? You have to be able to take mad amounts of liquor and not puke all over your friends. You’re also supposed to coo in dismay when you see marijuana growers paraded on 9pm news or else you’ll be ostracized for going against ‘the cause’.

 RARA. RA:  First Switch on that accent and we see. Have you got enough rar in your tongue? According to anonymous, Cool people’s words are supposed to sound like dollops of caramel being dribbled onto freshly baked bread.  The way you speak can be the difference between a pocketful of phone numbers and painful rebuffs. So if your words jerk out of your mouth sounding like they’re surprised to be in the open air, if they put people in mind of traditional drums or if somebody has ever dissed you mbu you sound like you ate America and had indigestion, you’re not cool. If you misuse the word apparently, you are also (seriously) not cool.

 PRUDE:  It doesn’t matter how sanitary your personal linens actually are. You’re required to occasionally switch the prude on. Wait for the most scandalous bits of your friends’ stories, the point where usually, you’d give them a hi-5 and suddenly, scrunch your face up. Touch palm to cheek and gasp with so much hypocrisy and affectation that your poor friend who is by now indignant and confused by your bastardliness will slink from your presence and find the Lord. Your conscience should remain clear, because you have, after all, driven somebody to the Lord.

 YOU DEEP? Cool=swag, so you have to be able to be a deep ‘feeler’ in order to exude the required amount of swag. Everybody knows that writers feel a lot, so ask yourself: ‘Do I ever write poetry or prose? Do I even know what those words mean? Surely I’m a member of one of those poetry fraternities, because if you aren’t, cool is lost to you. You’re on the frozen cucumber side of the scale when half literate posers send you facebook invites to poetry events with descriptions that read: Come and sip poetic juice from that calabash of poetry which tastes like guava juices in the morning rain.  

 LIBERAL: Because even the kinds of things that shock you, that make you yell with disapproval/ gusty approval say something about which camp you belong to. For example, a certain percentage of Ugandan girls are only liberal about homosexuality because they’ve, at one point, pretended to be bisexual to impress a group of slavering males. How one reacts to really bad grades has also been turned into  a litimus test of coolness.

 GROOVE UG, MAN.: Snobbery is allowed but when it comes to music, you’re not allowed to even think bad thoughts about the one made in Uganda, apart from Rachael K’s which is NOT rock. You’re expected to be able to gyrate as hard to my miss as you do to The catalyst (not that anybody gyrates to the catalyst).

If you take offence at anything in this article, you are not cool.


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