8 things you ABSOLUTELY must do before your next birthday


Lists like this one are all over the place. On the internet, on posters, T-shirts, people everywhere always feel that they know just the thing you’re not doing that you must START doing before you get to a particular age(22 :), else your chance will have passed and you’ll feel wistful and unfulfilled for the rest of your life. Or something.

I’m not sure whether the writers of such lists become rich and famous, but a chick can try, right?

Doing any of these might get you into trouble with the law, your mother, your colon and your God. Here goes:

Come up with your own recipe. It doesn’t have to be sophisticated or delicious. It can even be very disgusting if you want. As long as you’re confident that nobody else on the planet can claim rights to it, you’re set.  A great one is roasted groundnuts and mayonnaise, which I invented on campus. A friend and I fed on this mix for a week because, well, we were starving and broke.

Go out broke:  After one such horrible meal, Brenda and I were bored. Foolish youth shinning in our eyes, we decided to go and shake our penniless bottoms at rock night. As we walked to steak out, we comforted ourselves with words like ‘We’re young, rocker chicks who don’t need drinks or money to have a good time’.

The dancing began. By 3am we were thirsty as hell. Determined not to let it show, we danced even more manically. Our eyes grew redder, our voices cracked and our smiles got more and more pathetic. Having been stripped of our ideals by thirst and exhaustion, we nearly exploded with shame and gratitude when some kind hearted dude came and offered us a Smirnoff each. We then tried to kill him but that’s a story for some other article.

Be stuffy and serious: Talk about things like ‘career’ and ‘gross salary’ and ‘5 year goal’  and then land a great job. Appear talented and focused to your peers until you all of a sudden lose this job because your boss, who is an extremely untalented douche, a cretin of the vilest order, calls the shots. Douche!

Stalk somebody you really really like and not only on facebook. Trail them from the market and mark where they stay. Ring their bell and run down the stairs. Phone them. When they get tired of your silliness and accuse you of ‘desparacy’, be sure to sternly correct their grammar. Say, ‘Dude. Its ‘desperation’ and I’m not desperate. I love you, OK? Deal’.

Use the men’s loo at work everyday for a week. Sure, ladies’ bathrooms all over the world are prettier, cleaner and some of them even have sofas so that your friends who’ve only come to the toilet to keep you company can be comfortable as they gossip, but for some reason, they run out of toilet paper every 5 minutes or so.

This is why you should sneak into the men’s, stand in front of the urinals with arms on hips and chin thrust out like you’ve just been crowned ‘Queen of urinals’. This will give you SUCH an incredible rush.

Get addicted to something ridiculous, for example, tiny mangoes: If you work a 9-5 job, you know you have to reboot yourself with breaks (regular ones) or else your brain will just rot from all the boredom. Some people go outside and have a cigarette; some take a quick slurp from the tot they keep in their bottom drawer, others log on to urbanlegendkampala.com.

When, instead of doing one of the above you go to the parking lot to pluck and eat tiny mangoes from the sad looking tree that sits in the roundabout, (and you get addicted to said mangoes), it’s entirely possible that one day, half the office will quietly congregate to watch you plucking them. Once you realize that they’re watching you, you mustn’t stop! It will seem like you care what they think; and you don’t. Continue harvesting raw mangoes and gain a reputation as the hungry pregnant/malarial workmate who can’t afford escort for break tea.

Buy Fantastic looking stripper heels (like an idiot) 20 minutes before a concert. First of all, it doesn’t make sense to wear heels to a concert, because you intend to dance. One thing that isn’t going to arise is an opportunity for you to hoist your feet onto the table and stop the show with the beauty of your shoes. I wish I’d had somebody to say this to me before I bought 4 inch heels to go with my gorgeous dress 20 minutes before the Oliver Mtukudzi show. The pain. The discomfort. The wobbling. That was a good learning experience.

Send yourself birthday greetings. Like this: Happy Birthday to you Mildred!!! Smiley face! Smilier! Smiliest! Be absolutely in love with your birthday, people. Because you rock.

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