You probably think wax is nice. Harmless. Completely inanimate.


There are certain inanimate things that could take over the world if they wanted to. Its only out of their benevolence, their goodwill that they haven’t yet demonstrated to humanity who wears the pants. Who the balls really hang on. 

Consider fabric. If hooded jackets started transmitting voices into the unsuspecting minds of wearers, instructing them bottle up and hurl their smelliest farts in the general direction of those people eyeing Mabira, we’d be completely helpless to stop them. If all the dresses in Uganda stuck to wearers’ skins today, refusing to be taken off until wearing sundresses all the time, everyday was declared compulsory for all Ugandans (with guys having to wear kanzus in bright colors), we’d have no choice but to obey.

But fabric is nothing compared to Wax.

Wax is so badass that it erased this article from my hard drive. I was made to understand my position: I am only a lowly purveyor of the awesomeness of wax. Golola, Chuck Norris, Bauer, all those people respect wax. Take it from the person who had to type this article thrice.

Everything made out of this substance could cause serious problems for the world if it wanted to. So I hope that you go away from here doing the smart thing, paying homage.

Lipstick is one of those things that a lot of women can’t live without. They wear it to feel pretty, to threaten rivals, to get men in trouble with their wives. This tantalizing oily substance is made mostly of wax.

Just imagine that it decided to stop doing its job. Many lips would drop off in protest! Many men would be paralyzed with sorrow and there would be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Imagine that instead of making women look hot; it started controlling their mouths, distorting them into disturbing shapes during dinners with their in laws. Mayhem! Slaps!

Dreadlocks: Look to your to your right and to your left. Don’t bother looking ahead. The only people who sit ahead of you in office are either pen thieves or tools (and sometimes both). Do you see anybody with dreadlocks? Of course. Do you see how awesome they look? Wax is responsible for the mass of attractive coils on their heads. Using it, hair is painstakingly rolled into little tubular masses that mature into nice dreadlocks after six months.

Just imagine wax decided to zombiefy your dreadlocks, making them thrash around like medusa’s hair. You’d look terrifying! Wax could turn the sweet, sexy dreads on your head into knives and stab you in the eyes! Or into worms that could wiggle into your ears.  It could even make your dreadlocks pull themselves off. Man.

Ears

There’s a whole lot of this stuff in our ears. It’s supposed to be a bouncer of sorts, standing in front of our ears and denying access to insects like cockroaches, objects like beads, dust, etc. It’s even bitter, which means it’s supposed to deny access to tongues as well.

Take the hint, boys.

Ear wax isn’t as malicious as its brothers. The one bad thing it can do is pile up and up and up and then drop out of your ear as a hard disgusting and slightly smelly black ball as you throw your head back to laugh at something amusing that your crush just said.

 Cute accessories. Like buttons:

Close your eyes and be transported to your first date with that cute I.T guy from your office. He’s just made you blush by saying something incredibly nice about the buttons stuck all over the front of your dress (with, you know it, wax). Imagine that this wax decides to melt. When you first feel the heat, you mistake it for chemistry between you and your date but then things get uncomfortably hot. It hits you that you’re burning up and you start to yell: “Help, date. I’m on fire! It’s getting hot in here! I’m burning up!”

But will he take you seriously? Nooo. He’ll mistake your theatrics for enthusiasm and leer happily at you.

Candles and aha! Paraffin

Now that Umeme is threatening to make electricity extinct, visibility in the dark can only be achieved by putting your kitty on a leash and making it lead you around the house. We need candles and paraffin more than ever.  Because they are made almost entirely of wax, your 2000 shilling candles from Nakumatt can decide to deprive you of light by snuffing themselves out exactly 5 minutes after you’ve lit them. Why? Because they’ve got the power. Power.

The moment you’re well settled at your table and have started to enjoy your meal, they’ll go out. This will upset you very much if your meal is very delicious, like the New Vision cafeteria byenda. So be sure to pay wax a little respect today. Smile at your candle as you light it.

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2 thoughts on “You probably think wax is nice. Harmless. Completely inanimate.

  1. Too funny! As a non-lipstick-wearing, vigilant-ear-cleaning, non-button-wearing mother of two, there are days that I would LOVE to see the end of wax. Apocalypse be damned. Life without bits and pieces of crayons stuck to bloody-everything sounds just about perfect 🙂 Thanks for the chuckles!

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