Feeling Crushi-onate?

When you start crushing on somebody, the first thing you do is stalk their facebook profile; obviously. This is  what may have even caused the crush in the first place. You proceed to like as many of their status updates, notes and links as possible to keep a steady presence in their mind and notifications folder (but not too many because we don’t want them associating your name with spam).

Fuck you for being so gorgeous

When tralalalala, the forces of the universe throw you together, be grateful. Don’t start saying things like, “Nga this person is way more attractive on facebook…”.

The Date:

So according to the people watching, the two of you are getting along like a madhouse on fire. He’s saying things, you’re laughing. You’re saying things; he’s nodding and listening attentively. Whenever your friends, the watchers can manage it, they quickly jam their mouths to your ear and ask, “Anha? How are things going? Progress? Eh?!???!”

This is all very exciting for you because you are hopelessly obsessed with this person. You think he’s the hottest thing since the I.T guy at your former workplace.

But because laavu teli feeya, there will arise many opportunities for you to make an utter fool of yourself. Fear not for Plan B knows a thing or two about cupid, crushes and mortification.  We present:

Idiot’s guide to avoiding mortification at the hands of cupid:

Relax. Please refrain from squealing.

Yes, you’re absolutely chuffed about spending time with him (or her) and can barely contain your joy. You must however, try not to squeal. Even more important is to try not to gurgle. If you haven’t ever gurgle-talked, thank your gods because it is a most humiliating and ugly sounding phenomenon. Your words actually gurgle in your throat before they come out. On account of your excitement.

If he’s being slow, guma.

Try very hard not to try to speed things up by saying any of the following things because they will make you sound like you are interviewing his loins:

  • What is your opinion pertaining to us heading back to yours?
  • What are your thoughts on you and I doing the bumpy-grindy?
  •  Can you feel the lust in the air? These bars are places of iniquity! What do you say we head back to yours?
  • Are you as interested as I am in cutting to the chase or are you enjoying this mating dance too much?

Don’t get too drunk

Because nobody accepts that as an excuse anymore. If in your inebriation you do a fake thing like puke on his shoes or sit on the floor of the bar and refuse to get up until he buys you another drink, pray that you forget it. And if the events of the night hit you in the head like a wet boot the next morning, try not to send him an irrelevant text message (to assess the damage).

If he ever asks about any of the horrifying events of the night past, tell him that you can’t, for the life of you, remember anything. Not even draping him like a wet curtain. Keep a straight face, because some truths will not only fail to set you free, they will condemn you to a life of embarrassment and mortification.

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