In defense of the PSYCHO *ITCH


I was conducting a small survey the other day and eight out of the ten guys I spoke to professed a deep fear and loathing of dating. This is not because they’re spineless cretins who are only as interested in females for as long as it takes for them to have their next orgasm, apparently. They are afraid of dating in Kampala because the women here are, wait for it, psychopaths (their words).

One of them even said, “It must be the weather. Or maybe the electricity going on and off and on and off that has made all our chicks mad.”

Extreme, right? Because all the girls I know in Kampala are not at all insane and/or psychopathic. They’re stable, wonderful, warm and wholesome with prospects and big dreams. And yet these boys all had real fear in their eyes.

After asking for and receiving various (silly) descriptions and anecdotes of and about this psychosis, I’ve decided that I quite understand it and that we should all give these women a chance. I mean, I don’t approve of women causing bodily harm to cheating partners or bashing cars or setting upon their ex-boyfriends with stilettos, but we shouldn’t disregard the fact that they have a story.

Here are three situations in which a woman might justifiably lose her calm and bite your eyebrows off:

Rosa was ecstatic about the sweet facebook and phone messages she had been exchanging with a friend of a friend of hers. They were getting along like an old hut on fire when he all of a sudden went quiet on her. Confused and more than a little angry, she bullied him into meeting her up, and confronted him. His excuse was that a mutual friend of theirs had made it clear to him that she was bad news and unavailable besides. Rosa understandably lost it. She had found love (or at least a whole lot of LIKE), and it had been snatched away by a rumor that wasn’t even a little bit true. This mutual friend was just smarting from her rejection of him. So she paid him a sweet little visit and suffice it to say that if he still has eyes, it’s because he’s an alien who can grow extra eyes. Everybody now calls her a psycho.

Brenda was supposed to meet her boyfriend at his house. She was quite excited because she hadn’t seen him for a while. This is the boy she had staked her heart and even career choice on, so she went out and bought new lingerie with money she had been saving for a certain gorgeous pair of shoes. She really wanted to make him happy. When, on entering his house she was greeted by two very scantily clad women and not the big hug she had expected, she understandably lost it. When telling this story, her biggest concern is that she wasted shoe money on lingerie, which she’s never going to wear because its officially tainted. With bad luck. He now calls her a psycho.

Michele isn’t very stable. She knows it. Her friends know it. Her facebook name even has the word unstable in it. Eddie knew this before he started paying her attention and acting very love struck. She smugly told her friends that finally, her prince charming had come. Eddie however didn’t want to commit to anything definite. He called her his “girlfriend figure”. When, after a month she started acting up and telling everybody that they were dating, he got angry and cut her off in all ways that there are to cut somebody off.  She went properly mad. He’ll never forgive or forget her. Hehe. He now calls her a psycho.

So there you have it. Kampala’s women are not insane. Some of them may lose their minds occasionally but only because of cupid. Besides, this behavior is not exclusive to women and is exhibited by just as many men. Those 8 boys don’t have a good reason to avoid dating. They’re just commitmentphobes!

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