Let us defuse the word FAT.


You know what would change many lives and save many cheeks from hot slaps? Removing the stigma from the word fat. On its own, fat is a nice word. It’s short, easy to say, no complications really.

It has the letter a, and I challenge you to find a prettier looking letter than a.

Fat is considered attractive on babies, cats and bottoms, although the love of fat on bottoms isn’t shared by everybody. If you watch coupling, you remember this conversation:

Sally: We’re women. There is nothing above bottoms on the crisis scale. Bottoms are our natural enemy.

Susan: Sally, please…

Sally: They follow us around our entire lives, right behind us and constantly growing. How do they do that? I’m sure mine’s back there secretly snacking.

LOL.

So cats and babies don’t receive any grief from the world, but woe unto the woman who lets fat accumulate around her midriff, for she will be judged harshly and made ashamed of her muffin top.

Definition: A muffin top is that tiny (or maybe huge, depending on the woman) overhang that you see at the top of your pants/ leggings/ jeggings.

It is I. Your muffy.

Having one doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re wearing smaller clothes than you should be. It just means you have more fat on your belly than your body knows what to do with.

Plan B feels that there’s something the world is missing, because the muffin top has a lot of potential. We’re of the view that if women only knew what to do with them, they’d never again try to diet their muffies away or feel ashamed of wearing tight leggings and tight dress-tops together.

How your muffin-top can change your life:

  • Use it to grab things that are sliding off your lap. You know how you can be in a meeting with two pencils and four notebooks on your lap, eh? Well, when they start to fall off, as if they can’t see how disorganized you are already, just contract and relax your muffy very first and I assure you that your pencils will stop rolling and your notebooks will not fall.
  • It can be a dance partner! You’ve seen these pregnant women on TV dancing with their babies, right? Why should you, the owner of a nice cushy muffin top be denied the same pleasure? Grab it with both hands and sway. Make sure your eyes are closed. Haven’t we just found a solution to loneliness on the dance floor?
  • Again on dancing:  you can use a muffy as a whole other dancing tool. It can even be trained to do a different stroke from the rest of the body. Do you know how extraordinary you will look? How many hearts you will steal? Accept your muffy and then steal the world’s heart.
  • Some outfits just aren’t complete with a bit of belly. Seriously. I can’t imagine a girl rocking a high-waisted skirt without a muffin top to hold it up. The extra belly is necessary. Right?

    Ai! They can be sexy, alo!

  • Finally and most importantly, a muffin top can be used as a taxi-seat grabbing device. Never again do you have to be left behind by that taxi that you had set your mind on boarding. Never again do you have to stand there, choking on exhaust, cursing your luck because you have the ultimate, the unbeatable MUFFIN TOOOP! Brandish it like a sword. No, a shield. Hit people out of the way:  Doof. Doosh. Pow!  And voila! You’ll have a seat.
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