Its baaack. The holiday that Ugandans snub and look forward to in equal numbers is back. Yay! I want to say that I’m above wearing ridiculous clothes to attend pointless parties, but good journalists don’t lie. The only reason I will not be attending any parties is that my curfew is 5pm.
As Halloween falls on a Monday, I am not at all jealous of you non curfew-ed people. You will stumble into office on Tuesday morning exhausted, with traces of clown paint of your face and then the boss will wrench away your senior position and give it to me.
If you don’t score, kick the bull in the eye, get laid on a wild, stray, free-love night like Halloween, you’re either the one person in Kampala with morals or you smell. On this night, people will be accepting of any and all surprises that evolution has sprung on you. Have three nostrils? Bring them. In the spirit of Halloween, the hottest girl in the room will chat you up.
Are you as ugly as sin’s sin? Don’t despair. It’s within possibility that the coolest guy at the party will sidle up to you and say nice things about your “wonderful choice of costume and mask”. Don’t burst his bubble by angrily informing him that you are in fact wearing your prettiest sundress and no mask at all. Go with the flow.
These are the things you must tawdaleey do if you want to have a BLAST:
IF you’re still having reservations: Gwe. Halloween is the most humane and well meaning holiday in the world. Forget those Hollywood movies that associate it with dark, demon-ish, ghost-y things. It celebrates differences and allows people to express their most secret wardrobe fantasies.
Have you always wanted to wear a dead goat? This is your day! Has testosterone always come between you and your love for lacey under (and over) garments? This is the day to indulge yourself.
Costume idea: Go as Benny Hinn.
Comfort is key: Wear comfortable shoes because these parties tend to get wild. You’re going to want to be able to bolt if the zombie in the corner gets it into his head that he really IS a zombie and as such, would really like to taste your neck.
Halloween gives us a license to look hideous. This means that people have to drink more than usual to make their beer goggles form faster. This Halloween, be the one sober person in the room so that you can ably take pictures and videos of your friends doing horrible and amusing things. Blackmail them into buying you lunch for the rest of the year.
Costume idea: Go as a corrupt member of parliament. This involves wearing whatever you want plus a pillow under your stomach area. Stick 50 thousand notes to your face to make it even more authentic.
Be hungry: Don’t eat anything before you go for your party. This will make you get soused faster than usual and ensure that you have a MONSTER hangover on Tuesday morning, which is a good thing because the boss will hate your guts and love mine. This will make him give me your position for sure.
Costume idea: Ripped leather. But only if you’re cute.
Do not do that fake stuff of: trick or treating. Are you mad? Do you think this is America? We don’t give away candy for free in Uganda. Even that business of borrowing cups of sugar from the neighbor ended when we decided that we loved the environment more than diabetes. Yes. This is supposed to make you think about the Sugar vs Mabira debate. Has it worked?
Anyway; if you want sweets, come with money. Unless of course you’re cute and are wearing my last costume suggestion.