Those of you who get paid on the 5th of the month, well done! You got paid yesterday. How wonderful! You are richer than your contemporaries whose purses were sagging with cash monies before yours. How clever of you to have made them buy you drinks at the ULK party on Friday. Also, congratulations on having friends who feel compassion for the poor and the thirsty.
Now that you’re no longer a pathetic piece of empty pocket, here’s a guide on how to WASTE your newly acquired funds into NOTHINGNESS. Like a fusa.
What is a fusa? A fusa is what the ringtails call lions in Madagascar I.
A fusa is the person who used the bathroom and didn’t clean up after themselves.
It is, most importantly, a euphemism for foolish-spendthrift-who-will-return-to-poverty-very-soon.
Here are six things that you’re justified in splurging on:
Toilet paper: If you’re one of us, the elite who take a marked interest in the movement of our bowels, you know how important toilet paper is to the well being of your derriere and the contentment of your soul. Your bottom has tastes and preferences. There are brands that will make it very sad (constipation, which causes wrinkles) and others that will excite it to a fault (dios, which causes tears). So buy many brands of toilet paper and experiment. You are not wasting money. You are finding yourself.
Cute accessories: For your new phone. Oh come on. It’s a phone. A new, gorgeous, gorgeously red phone. It’s so fantastic; it deserves a sex (male) and a name (Thor). Indeed your phone rocks socks. If, like mine, your phone is just sparkling with beauty and awesomeness, don’t feel guilty about buying that baby a beautiful jacket and a pair of earrings. What, you didn’t know that clothes for phones existed?
Something ‘African’: For the past week, certain facebook friends of mine have made much noise about ‘over Africanness’ with status updates like, “What is up with people trying to be so African? Why can’t you just be?”
Because I have failed to imagine the kinds of things that people do to be guilty of this crime and/or the instrument by which Africanness is measured, I encourage you to spend some of that money on African prints! Yes. Bitenge. Let us further irritate these pissed off people until they come and explain their disturbing rant to us.
A self help book (and a host of others!): Persuade yourself that because you’re buying one book that promises to teach you how to manage your finances, you’re justified in spending ridiculous amounts on other more interesting books. Go to Amazon and purchase all those eye-nyomables that make minds tremble with joy and wallets fall open in pained resignation. For example, that Granta Book of the African Short Story by Helon Habila.
A pet: To make you feel fly when you’re feeling blu…You can tell, can’t you? You can tell that I’m trying too hard to think up productive things. I, personally, as an individual wouldn’t spend my money on things that don’t sparkle/ look pretty so I’m trying too hard and in the process, giving myself away as a child of capitalism and a big fan of diamante. Sad face.
So this Sunday, some incompetent FUSA forgot to put my byline at the top of this article. SNARL. A merry expletive to them, and many more to those who I caught doubting my
genius abilities. My mentor and editor (Ernest Bazanye) is fantastic, but not even HE likes his job enough to write articles and attribute them to me.