Hello, hungry human being. What, you’re not hungry? On a Sunday? That’s a joke. Everybody is insatiable on Sunday, which is one of the reasons why (so many) Ugandan men have such huge hips. Insatiable on Sunday Disorder.
So. Have you had your first five meals of the day? No? Fantastic! Because food hates your guts.
Food abhors you. Notice how desperate it is to get out of your stomach? When it’s feeling particularly hateful and intolerant, it can push, splash and struggle its way out from both ends of your body.
Its such a hater, it distends your gut to make it look less pretty. After a heavy meal, it head butts your stomach into strange shapes. Haven’t you heard of food babies? Food even makes you pregnant!
I tried to get my stomach’s opinion on this, but all it did was send up a smelly burp which I took to mean that it was too busy shooting digestive enzymes at the enemy within to pay attention to my questions. The stomach, which has known of this war ever since you were slimily assembled by your parents, never lets its guard down.
We eat ghosts. For anything to be edible, it has to be dead (or in the case of oysters, dying). We’re constantly ripping life out of things so that we can eat them. Do you think that they’re impressed? Of course not. Which is why they take revenge by making your digestive system suffer.
Things I have eaten that haven’t killed me (because my stomach is a ninjette!)
Soil samosa: If you have a kiosk next to your office, you know the ones I’m talking about. Tiny triangles with about four peas each. They take me straight back to P.1, which is why I buy them for breakfast everyday. Not because I’m broke. These plan B people pay me too well for me to be too broke to afford a decent breakfast. Anyway, for every 6 that you buy, two of them have soil instead of peas. Inflation has made their maker have to deprive some of the samosas of their four peas and put soil in them instead. This is a nasty shock for a first time buyer and an assured laxative for a regular. How does one become a regular eater of soil samosas? Ask my boss.
Cosmetically enhanced fruit: Fruit salad is healthy. It makes you glow like a pregnant woman (with an actual baby, not a food or a Beyonce baby) which is why we lovingly reward the women and men who come with their fruit salads to our offices with 1000 shillings. The problem comes in when your fruit provider is obsessed with their skin, because this means that your salad is going to be cosmetically enhanced. The last time I bought one, every fruit tasted of a different cosmetic. Samona fenne, Clere sugarcane, Movit mango, etc. The woman must have used a different one for every centimeter of her body that day. This is the conclusion my stomach came to in a language called dios-indigestion-ohshit.