I don’t like red ants, especially when they find their way into my pants. Is there anything more annoying than a musanafu bite? I don’t think so. This is why I always walk with a small can of DOOM, to kill those invasive musanafus dead!
Because red ants are nearly invincible, being devil spawn that can only be defeated with holy water and copious amounts of insecticide, they are not satisfied with setting just your delicate bits on fire. They have devised ways of entering your mind. Once they’re in, they make all the irritating things that have ever been committed against you bubble to the surface, play them on a loop and flood your system with bitterness. It is almost impossible to exorcise the little bastards without a psychiatrist, but because we know how much you hate spending money, being Ugandan and all, we present a free idiot’s guide on How to survive and kick red ants out of your pants (and mind).
UGH: Do you feel like you’re producing a lot more saliva than you need? Do you have to keep roughly wiping the side of your mouth to prevent it pooling and crusting there? Are you experiencing Itchy nose, heart burn and a constant need to stretch? Those are not red ants disturbing you. That is bloatedness. The solution here is to rein your appetite in. Lunch hour is NOT the end of the existence of food on the planet. Also, go to owino and get your fat self some running shoes.
BOO: If you’re as stink-faced as the first shit ever to fall into a latrine in Uganda, those are mind musanafus. Go shopping because new things have a way of making everything better. If you’re lucky, the shop woman will be nice and cheerful; will give you an awesome discount and a free scarf. If you’re not, you’ll find her in low spirits, broken and teary eyed about her son’s kidney failure. This might trigger unkind thoughts like, “Darn you for being preoccupied with your son’s kidney issues instead of making me feel like the queen of Kampala, without whom your business would wilt and crash!” Such meanness will make you feel worse about yourself, obviously, and the mind musanafus will have won. So just hope you’re lucky and keep a cheap shrink on speed dial.
RAAH!: there’s no better song to rage to than The Red by Chevelle . When you feel fit to burst with angst, play this song. Absorb all that razor filled RAGE. Go to youtube, watch its video and be slightly mollified by the good looks of Joe Loeffler. Has a guy holding a fork ever made your ovaries do so many back flips? That boy is fine. Yell Seeeing Red agaiiiin at random strangers in the taxi and then ask yourself if you really want to be the kind of person who gets thrown out of taxis for yelling angry-song lyrics in babies’ faces. Experience a total change of heart and walk into the nearest church/psychiatrist’s office.
What’s this?! : My word count has caught up with me. Sorry. If your mind just won’t shut up, talk to somebody. Embrace the voices. Hate the musanafus. Don’t spray doom into your ear.