WHO RUNS THE WORLD? Not mucus. Hopefully.

Who run the world? Noses! Who run the world? Noses! Who don’t run the world? Colds! A cold has found its way into the Plan B office which is why we feel it essential to assert the dominance of our noses over everything in the world (including blasted, bastardly colds) by spontaneously bursting into chant. Who run the world? Noses! Who run the world? Noses! Who don’t run the world? Colds! Like that.

This serves the purpose of boosting nasal moral and preventing noses from bursting open as a result of the violent blowing that we’ve been doing all week. It also frightens the cold which is important because if you don’t fight a cold medicinally as well as psychologically, it starts to feel invincible. Once that happens, there’s no end to the kinds of horrors that it can loose on you.

If you didn’t know before, be informed that it’s very possible to drown in your own mucus.  Google says so.

Here are two ways that you can flush that nasty cold out of your system and scare it so firmly that it’ll slither away, warbling for its mother. It’s fat, cushy, greenish blob of smelly motherly goo; smelly because mothers always smell like something and we cannot expect mucus’ mother to smell like Yardley. She has to smell like old flu.

Eat disgusting things: scientists don’t know this yet but gross as flu might be, it loves good food; stuff that tastes good. When you drink honey lemon tea, your cold rejoices because this tea is delicious. When you make ginger juice, the cold invites its boyfriend over and engages in sweaty celebratory activities in your nose and throat. You need to show it that your hatred and determination to be rid of it surpasses your need for happy taste buds. Violently pound garlic and ginger together until the stuff in the spice mortar looks like a chick that has been pummeled to death. Spoon this pulpy mix into half a cup of honey. Stir and eat. Don’t stop till you’re crying from disgustedness.

Watch wrestling: Wrestling is a really annoying sport, mostly when the guy you like is obsessed with it. The intensity of your cold is affected by the amount of feeling that you infuse into the things that you do. Note this. So when he comes over to your house to make you feel better and brings a DVD featuring John Cena trying to beat big show by hanging off his back like a koala, instead of your favorite Boney M CD, start shouting. Quarrel a lot. Be very dramatic in your disappointment. Flash him a little. All that shouting will get the mucus moving and you’ll feel some relief.

Beatrice says, an expert in these matters says, “All I know all about mucus there is no beating it. I’ve been trying for the past 24 years! Head steaming, avoiding sleeping in the homes of people who fear brooms, all that hasn’t worked. Waking up in the morning and blowing and bloowing and bloooooooowing is useless as it just stimulates more mucus production. What you need to do is pray. That is all.”

Hear that, oh ye mucus laden? Pray.

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