Don’t be crushingly lonely. Catch a mate.

I make a lot of noise, all the time about my match making ways. I’m very good at making people fancy the pants off each other. When I enter a room, heavy breathing abounds and people start releasing pheromones twice as fast. I’m like cupid, only not as fat and much taller.

Everybody needs sambaaady to love all the time but especially in December because it’s the month of heavy rains (babies) and discounts (gifts). Tis’ the season to be jolly, not crushingly lonely so here’s a guide to catching a mate (you don’t have to keep them afterwards, that is not a must, but it would be nice if you didn’t unceremoniously dump them fwaaa after fulfilling your need for a date to all those parties between December 15th and January).

Go to coffee shops like Soho and Javas with a laptop and a book. Pretend to be there for the wifi, piped jazz and coffee flavored air but really be trying to catch the eye of every promising person who walks in. As you bang away at your keyboard, wear your hottest face. Meanwhile, contrary to what fashion TV says, hot face doesn’t mean duck face. It doesn’t mean dark and brooding either. It means looking generally pleasant, whatever that means. If you start to feel bad about yourself, order something sugary and expensive. The sugar will give you a serotonin boost and you’ll be good to go again.

But wait. Aren’t these tips kind of just fake? Won’t they, at best, make you seem endearingly unhinged to potential mates?  Ah well. That can also work. Seeming unhinged. If you catch a cool person’s attention by doing something ridiculous and making them feel sorry for you, that’s foundation enough for a rom-com type romance.

Wear Christmas colors. People always wear dull colors when they’re sad which only makes them even more miserable and lonesome. It’s the festive season, man. Get some color into your closet. And nylon. Heck, just throw all of your sensible clothes away and replace them with hammer pants and brightly colored nylon shirts. I know only two people who would look fantastic in such clothes, because they’re super hot and would look great in anything, but don’t let that deter you. When you start being able to make yourself laugh by passing by reflective surfaces, stick with the look.

Be weird. Eccentricity, even the annoying pseudo type sells. I swear. Go around dressed in overalls and boots see if some stranger doesn’t call you avant garde. People will give you appreciative side eye. You can also break into song and dance in the taxi but this only works if you can carry a tune; or else the hot chick at the front won’t be craning her neck to identify and fall in love with you. She’ll be trying to ensure that the bullet hits you square between the eyes and no where else.

Date yourself. This is fun because it means you get to spend lots of cash on self-gifting without any of the guilt. In fact, this is the only real piece of advice on this page. Spend more time doing things that make you happy and less feeling awkward about being alone.  Cham Karama maber.

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