Practices that need to be shoved back into 2011 before the portal disappears.


Because the year is still stiff with the starch of newness, everybody is feeling optimistic about how well they’re going to tackle, karate kick and triumph over the next twelve months. It’s as if the oxygen in the air has been replaced with deodorant, baby farts and Bond 7 fumes.

Because I’m good at predicting things, I know that this year is going whoop everyone’s behind and suck mightily because of certain practices from 2011. These practices are going to try and (maybe even) succeed in sneaking their foul selves into our sparkly new year and because it’s too late for an angel to materialize at the gate of 2012 and wave a flaming sword at them, I’m taking on that responsibility. I hope to discourage their perpetuators using shame and strong language. Sharpen your eyes and wiggle your liver (to make the bile in there slosh around a bit) for the smashing begins.

Dear people who speak/ type like a retarded kindergarteners, please stop. It is not cute when you replace ‘I am’ with ‘is’. It breeds confusion, which turns into resentment:  “is hungry” and “is attending your party” make the person you’re speaking to want to prolong your starvation and cancel their party.

Mwe who express regret, loudly on social networks, we don’t care about your pain. Regret is like incest. In-breeding. Self cannibalism.  It’s horrible. When you write a long status update on how you regret pigging out during the festive season because you’re now the sad owner of a huge muffin top, you’re making the rest of us think about our own greed. You’re making us feel bad, dammit! And that’s not fair. Don’t share your problems. We’ll defriend you.

Reading is fun; you can do it in the sun. Some people like to be seen with books, because (everybody knows that) books add cuteness to your face and interestingness to your character. Whatever. If I’ve let you get away with stealing a book of mine and haven’t tracked you down and scalped you, I want to at least be able to have a fun conversation about it when I meet you. It’s annoying to hear, “Oh. I haven’t gotten round to reading it yet” 6 months after you stole the poor baby from my mini library. What have you been doing with it? Concussing strangers on the street? Using it as a prop to catch mates? Snark. Rage. Snark. Return my book.

Insomniacs: Now nobody is advocating for these unfortunate souls to be thrown into a stagnant, crocodile infested pond, but it would be nice if they were rounded up and placed in one city. Being a former insomniac myself, I understand the need for company in the dark and scary hours. What is unacceptable is the practice some of them have adopted of waking peacefully sleeping people because the demons fornicating in their own corneas have made it impossible for them to manufacture sleep.

Hello! Get up and be awake like meeee.

It is not good form to beep, call, incessantly text or throw stones at sleeping people. Taking embarrassing pictures featuring drool and posting them on facebook can end your relationship with your victim. Try not to engage in such this year.

Lastly, this business of expressing extreme unhappiness on Monday mornings needs to stop. Being a Monday lover, I feel bad about all the nasty things that people say about them every single week of the working year. What did you expect, Monday-hater? To be caught in a special time warp an be trapped in some sort of endless weekend? Ha! Coffee up and be quiet.

Don't hate. Coffeeate.

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