Two weeks after the holiday season and people are still fat. Two whole weeks and faces haven’t stopped widening, guts haven’t stopped trying to out-expand balloons and entumbwes have gone on getting chunkier and wobblier. This makes me feel: amusement, disdain, kinship, joy and most of all, surprise that Ugandans, including myself, haven’t grown snouts, spouted tails and thick body hair as a result of all the livestock that we’ve consumed ever since we were set free from employment mbu Christmas break.
Gaining more weight in four weeks than you have ever carried is inconveniencing to say the least. You start to avert your eyes and mutter “poser!” under your breath whenever you see people heading for the stairs instead of hopping into the elevator with you. You begin to be paranoid that your new butt is hogging more space in the lift than is decent and then get defensive about it. “So what if my behind looks like a sofa? ‘twas the season to get fatter!”. You discover a deep hatred of joggers and a new tolerance for the phrase ‘phat and fabulous’ and yet that is a really annoying phrase.
What solutions are there to this new state of things? Not new year resolutions which are a waste of note paper. Skipping will take forever to yield results and you don’t have the motivation to make a gym schedule and stick with it or you wouldn’t be reading idiot’s guides. Whatever shall you do? This is what:
Boil your food: The only drawback here is that boiled food sucks. Your enthusiasm for eating in general can be so diminished by the insipid lumps in front of you that really you’re not eating anymore. You’re lost in a game in which your fork is Godzilla, your plate is his cave and he’s throwing a tantrum in which all his property get’s destroyed. Also, the likelihood of food attacking your face is higher when it’s boiled because it’s not weighed down by grease. If you’ve never felt the caress of lukewarm, watery soup on your cornea, know that it feels really disgusting.
Walk to work. Every time you hail a boda to haul you up the hill to your office, you give your stomach permission to bulge and sag. Unless you’re pregnant and/ or really comfortable with a huge droopy belly, this isn’t cool. So the next time the taxi drops you at your stage, stretch, walk to the kasoli woman, buy your breakfast gonja and walk to work.
Get comfortable. Because the holiday is over and the black hole that is school/work stress is yawning open to receive you, you’re going to return to normal. Your neck will deflate and your fingers will stop resembling sausages. In the meantime, if you have cool friends, have fun. Turn their disastrous figures into laughs to take attention away from your own shapelessness. Say things like: Hey Albo, your butt looks pregnant. Or Shut up, Martha or I’ll pop you. Or Linda, you look like a condom full of odi. Things like that. By bobbing up and down with laughter, you all get some exercise. Also, your remark might convince them to take on sports or green tea or both.