Every day for the last two months, we’ve been telling God through facebook and loud conversations that we want the sky to weep hankielessly upon us. We’ve been begging water to pour from heaven into our tanks and gardens and fishponds and open mouths.
I even know people who promised to run out of office, strip and dance vigorously to the thunder and vogue in rhythm with the lightening the moment rain blessed the city.
Well? Clouds are here and all we’ve done so far is look reproachfully at the sky and then bolt to the nearest shelter. Like cockroaches. We’ve whispered to our friends, not on facebook because clearly, God has a fb account and he takes requests and complaints very seriously, we’ve been sending each other notes written on Musana papers saying, “we’re screwed. What have we done and how can we undo it?”
This is what to do. Presenting: Idiot’s Guide to surviving the rain that we asked for:
Park: Unless you were bitten by a radioactive water snake and now have the power to drive through Uganda’s terrible storms, get to the nearest convenient spot and abandon your vehicle. Avoid trees because they will invite lightening to the party. Avoid walls as it has been proven that water is stronger than brick. Special sad face goes out to the person who lost a beautiful Honda to the downpour last Sunday. Your karma has to be very bad for a whole wall to detach itself from its foundation and land on your car. To everybody that plays rock, paper, scissors, water, rocket, its official. Water is stronger than everything.
Don’t act like a crazy person: Behave as calmly as possible. The slightest amount of rain, even the weakest drizzle makes Kampalans panic. They start to act as if Satan has stationed himself in the sky with a hose and a cosmically large tank of acid.
When it starts to pour, try not to behave like a hysterical bunny because the moment you catch the attention and amusement of the forces that be, they’ll not want you to ever stop entertaining them. They’ll send things your way that are sure to make you react in a funny way. All of a sudden, a branch will hit you in the back. Hailstones will fly into your ears. Leaves will wrap themselves into your mouth. So. Just remain calm.
The wind IS BOSS: If you take your umbrella out of your bag like a good little girl scout and open it to protect you from the quarrelling of the sky and the wind happens to disagree with your action by blowing the umbrella upside down or sideways, or out of your hand, resign yourself to its decision. Don’t struggle. Don’t fight. Don’t try to show it who is boss, because for one, you’ll look very silly and 2, you won’t succeed. Just put your cute umbrella away and arrive where you’re going sopping wet. In the movies, that’s usually a turning point. If you’re a girl, you’ll probably get a promotion.
Banakampala, just allow. You asked for it.