It was Pablo the cable humping dolphin that did it


For five days last week, the internet in Uganda wasn’t enough to go around. The world ended, obviously. People ate their modems in annoyance, ripped out F5 buttons in frustration and rediscovered fresh air. They reclaimed their jogging shoes, dusted off socializing skills, decided they enjoyed the internet more and fell into a dark depression.

This is how the A4I (Activists 4 Internet) was born.

Our first decision as an advocacy group was to rubbish that story internet providers were feeding us of some dumb sailor with poor parking skills who dropped an anchor on the deep sea cables responsible for nourishing our souls with idioticinformation from youtube, 9gag, facebook and twitter that we need to remain sane.We dismissed this story because that’s what all decent activists do. Dismiss things as conspiracies.

Our way forward was to send a representative to the coast to take a good look at the internet cables and report what really was happening. This letter just arrived at Head Quarters.

Dear esteemed members of A41. Hi. It is I, agent Sarah, reporting from the deep seas.

As I write this, I am uncomfortable because it’s not very easy to breathe underwater. Now imagine how hard it is for me to breathe and write at the same time. Underwater. With a pencil. On a piece of coral.

This is what is happening to the cables. There lives a dolphin named Pablo. For the last four days, he’s been entangled in a mess of internet cables.

The moment he saw me, he asked me, in a very tough voice to sit and listen to him even though he could see that I was starting to get blue in the face from lack of air.

Pablo has been away from his family for many months in search of cables. This is because in the culture of dolphins, finding and laying claim to long cables like the ones responsible for our internet is considered a heroic and sexy deed. We all know how much dolphins like attention. And sex. Pablo the dolphin is not tanga tangaring with the internet cables out of malice. He’s doing it to gain acceptance and to get laid by the lovely Fromina, loveliest of all dolphins (and all her friends if possible).

***

I was unable to get the rest of his story because I passed out from lack of air. I’m not sure how I got back on dry land, but that night, the hotel special was fish, dolphin in particular and I found slivers of cable wire in my piece, so I’m pretty sure it is Pablo we were eating.

Oh well.

The internet should be working soon. Me, I’m going to watch a mermaid beach wrestling tournament from my balcony. My bet is on the one with a marine cut, obviously.

Good bye and happy surfing,

Agent Sarah.

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5 thoughts on “It was Pablo the cable humping dolphin that did it

  1. This totally happened in South Park, and it was such a huge crisis that internet refugee camps were set up,where in,every 1 got about 40 minutes of internet a day. The desperation of those pple was hella funny,yet so relatable to. I mean,i get hysterical if my stuff takes more than 5 mins to load…

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