The last week has been a strange one for breasts in Uganda. Aside from the hoisting, strapping and ogling that they’re subjected to on a daily and usual basis; they have been publically assaulted, debated, youtubed, flashed in protest, and debated some more. People who used to blush like peeled tomatoes at the sight of woman-orbs before all this have dived eagerly into the discussion; contributing blogposts, status updates and in a few cases, sustained ululations.
Today, we’re grabbing an opportunity that is never going to bobble back. We’re going to, for 500 words discuss breasts. I have my editor’s permission to write about chaks. Nungas. Wow.
The women who bared their chests outside CPS in protest of a policeman intentionally, aggressively and repeatedly grabbing the breasts of a female politician have elicited many reactions in Uganda’s boob watching elite, with some guy on twitter insisting that, “Turning the other cheek would have been the best course of action!” What does that even translate to in this situation? Is he advocating that all women approach a policeman near them, present their right and then left boob for rough fondling?
Before we drink from the fountains of the idiot’s guide (to protecting your boobs from assault), let it be known that I see no shame in the way these women chose to protest. As @eryenyu put it in her twitter, “This act of protest is not women bringing shame onto themselves. I did not see them hiding their faces. I think that was even more powerful”
On to the guide.
Lady gaga: This woman clearly has experience with touchers. Why else would she wear such spiky things on so many occasions? Be inspired by her to make yourself a porcupine skin bra. Apart from making your blouse dimple in a fashion-forward manner, these porcu-spines will enter the palms of any and all boob fondlers- crucifixion style- and the fondling cretin will yowl in a way that will amuse you for a long long time.
Your face: In the presence of stupid people who just touch women fwaa, you need to show them how full of disgust you are. Fold your face accordingly.
Your fist: In that heartbreaking breast tearing video, Ingrid boxes the man’s hand away. It returns, yes, but she boxes it again. Don’t stop boxing.
That ugly sweater: do you remember how, when you were a child, your mother would manhandle you into a prickly, yucky feeling sweater? One that would make your skin itch something awful? Keep one like that in your bag and whip it out whenever you spot a potential boob assaulter. When they lunge for your poor boob, throw it over their head and fix some of it into their mouths. Wedge the caterpillar-like material between their teeth.
Lastly, and very sadly, a man. Those louts don’t bother me when I’m with male people. Even my 11 year old brother has more power to stop a man messing with me than I do. A few glares and snaps from your brother will stop the louts at your stage from bothering you. For a while.