Is your significant other an oversharer?

Get a life! is no longer guaranteed to shut an annoying person up. Did you know? Because they’ll just drag you to the nearest computer/phone screen and point triumphantly at their facebook profiles that will appear blurry because of how much life will be vibrating on there.

Never has the world’s populace been so willing to masturbate their lives into the public space that is the internet. People want you to know, like and comment on their latest neuroses, deepest fears, shades of lipstick, etc and, you know, that’s OK. It’s fun to know people’s lugambo without having to indulge in gossip.

But what happens when your significant other/ partner in slime/ friend with benefits/God assigned housemate is the one who’s just…oozing their lives onto the wild world web (is that it?)? Things change, don’t they? And when they start to include you in their over detailed posts, then things get downright uncomfortable.

I mean, I assume you’re OK with them tweeting excitedly about your new shoes, but not the boil in your instep. It’s charming for them to write winding statuses about their love for you and your konadancing skills, but surely not about your recent alimentary tribulations. I mean diarrhea.

The most common effect of over sharing is kamanyiro. The lonely members of your collective internet circle become infested with opinions on your relationship, opinions which they’ll be shaking into your ears like some kind of dog wearing a jacket made entirely of fleas.

So if your significant other/ partner in slime/ friend with benefits/God assigned housemate takes facebook’s “what’s on your mind” too literally, walk over to them right this moment and pass them the paper.  This is for them.

Dear oversharers:

Do it for the love. If you truly can’t survive without the likes and the comments and the attention that exposing your personal stories has been affording you, make stuff up. Be absurd. Be outrageous. Be anything that will take your relationship out of the spotlight. Because the man/woman who just handed you this paper is about to dump your sorry self.

Do it for the gadgetry. The moment your person runs out of ways to justify your over sharing ways, their supply of sanity will dry up. They’ve already shrugged and said: she’s just sensitive. He just needs attention. He just needs validation. She’s just chatty; so the next step is a violent madness that will see them dropkicking your laptop/ phone into a latrine.

Do it for the love, again. Because word travels fast. If you get dumped for being unable to shut up a little, nobody is going to want to date you. You’ll end up alone.

For more love? Because nobody is really that interested in your details, I promise. Try not behaving like some sort of social network telenovella and see. Nobody will die. Go for a jog. Or something.

Over sharer, I have no sound advice for you. I think that is clear. Sorry for wasting your time. Pass the paper back.

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