Hug me, Pastor Sempa.

I’m always afraid that I’m going to miss the bus. The trend-bus. Every few weeks, I type up a list of topics that I feel my readers will enjoy. I don’t deviate from this list, not unless something epic comes up. It’s more convenient to go by a system. Because of this, I never have Easter articles or Eid articles or Christmas articles. There’s not much to say about such days apart from “nga you’re going pray and eat and be happy!” so I always ignore them.

However, when the festive days come and I see how much sparkly benevolence is flowing from other columns, I get jealous. I feel like the Grinch, a pose-y grinch. I even worry that people will refuse to read any article that’s not linked to their happy times. Am I wrong? Do you enjoy it when writers snub these holidays and carry on exploring topics that actually matter?

This time, for my peace of mind, I am conforming. Merry Christmas! Seasons greetings! Feliz Navidad! Happy times! Cham Karama maber!

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s discuss more interesting things. Were you watching NBS when Pastor Sempa appeared with vegetables to demonstrate the way lesbians “have sex”? He came on with his signature passion, enthusiasm, fire and proceeded to perform pornography on national television. And not long after, one of the sports presenters said that he was, I quote, “shocked and mesmerized”.

This left me in so much shock that my jaw fell and hit the top of my table. Now I have no chin. Who watches questionable material (a man getting on national television to show the young and the old how adults copulate is so questionable, I scarce can take it in) and then professes how mesmerized he is by it? Eh.

Speaker Kadaga recently spoke about giving Ugandans a ‘Christmas gift’. Speaker, I think I speak for all right thinking members of society when I ask that, for the good of the children, you take Sempa out of the public eye. Let that be the gift.

Alternatively, you could hire a hypnotist to rid him of his ridiculousness so that he can channel his power of speech and relentlessness into useful things like:  starting a drive to take storybooks to children all over Uganda.

Or you can make him take up an initiative to give every street child a sweater to keep them warm during the cold December/January nights.

Or make him go around spitting bile in the faces of the demons involved in the OPM scandal who swallowed money that was supposed to restore hope to a needy and trauma ridden people.

He could also champion KCCA’s Keep Kampala Clean campaign and help this city rise out of the pit of apathy and complacency that Madam Musisi is trying so hard to lift us from.

Pastor Sempa could even go around giving people free hugs! That would surely make somebody’s day. Have you ever taken time to look at the faces of Kampalans on the street? If you have, you know how rare a happy or even contented looking face is.  People are always lost in thoughts that make their brows furrow.

Pastor Sempa, you seem to need a hug yourself. Ask the people who look broken and tired to rest their heads on your strong, fat-padded shoulders. Even simpler, Pastor Sempa, you could go telling everybody you meet that Jesus loves them. You can’t call yourself a pastor when you’re behaving like Satan.

Make my Christmas, Ssebo. Spread love for a change.

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